We picked up Dru last Saturday from sleepaway camp and it was extremely emotional, in a beautiful way.
It was a really profound, new emotional experience in my motherhood journey as I witnessed Dru in a different, more mature light.
I saw how she upleveled in so many ways, coming home with a boyfriend, with so much love from new friends and staff, passions for new hobbies and a new sparkle in her eye.
I also felt the sadness she felt in coming home and dropping into the reality that she wasn’t able to stay for the next 3 weeks as she wanted.
As a mother, when seeing her in her pain, there was such a big part of me that just wanted to grab her, jump in the car and drive her back and decide to say “F it” to our financial and summer plans and just give into her burning desire.
The Importance and Strategy to Saying No with Love
But I also know that it’s equally if not more important for me to have the capacity to hold Dru in her deep feels and let her know it’s safe and valid for her to feel this way
AND while I love her so much and she can feel upset, angry, frustrated and grief even, we need to hold the line and I made the decision for to be home for a reason.
Your feelings are valid, I love you and also, it’s a no.
Holding her in her pain, allowing her to feel her feelings without feeling she need to shut them down or deny herself of her feels, and also holding a boundary with love.
Healthy parenting, one that helps children develop healthy attachment and nervous systems, does not mean we have to give into everything a child desires. In fact, that can really backfire.
Healthy parenting is being able to provide a child with loving discipline which comes in the form of
1) Emotional regulation (through healthy attunement)
2) limits (boundaries)
3) guidance and
4) nurturing.
This gives the child the opportunity to attune to a regulated nervous system to help them find safety and discharge the stress within themselves while also feeling into their disappointment.
This helps them learn to expand their capacity to hold discomfort and build inner resilience as they are able to connect to the idea that I can feel discomfort and disappointment and also still be loved and not get what I want.
Love does not equal getting what I want.
The impact of not holding healthy boundaries with our children
👉🏻When we react to situations with our children by giving into into their desire because we don’t have the capacity in ourselves to hold their discomfort,
1️⃣we don’t help our children build their own resilience and capacity for discomfort.
As such, as they grow up and develop nervous systems in this manner, when they are met with a “No” , a boundary or don’t get what they want,
2️⃣they don’t have the inner capacity and regulated nervous system developed to handle the discomfort
4️⃣and that leads to reactivity, freaking out and going into fight or flight.
Because they haven’t been given the opportunity to be held in a no while also learning they are still loved.
Versus the interpretation of the No response = rejection.
It is all stems from the fact that we, as parents, have not developed our own inner tolerance to be able to withstand discomfort.
This is why it’s so crucial that as mothers we are doing our own healing work to build the capacity to be able to hold our children’s discomfort as well of course, as our own.
Because that is how we support our children in developing healthy nervous systems, mental and emotional wellbeing, behaviors and habits.
If setting boundaries with your child and holding your child’s discomfort feels challenging,
✨I would invite you into shifting the focus within and exploring what saying no brings up for you first.
Often times, we worry that the “no” will equate to an interpretation of “I don’t love you” for our child and that feels too painful to hold.
👏But what if we can understand that by teaching our children how to receive a no and still receive love and attunement at the same time,
we are giving them the best parenting and support they could ever need.
I’m not saying you have to say No to things to parent in a healthy manner, not at all.
I am just speaking to when that is the case, reminding yourself that you are not damaging your child,
but in fact,
by doing it in a loving way where you’re holding them in their feelings,
you are helping them build an incredible sense of inner resilience that they require to thrive in this world.
If you desire to go deeper into exploring how to build your capacity and heal your nervous system,
My free Align and Thrive Workbook is for you.
I’d love to know – Do you struggle with setting healthy boundaries with your children?
Do you struggle with holding their disappointment without trying to fix it?
Share what comes up for you in the comment section below! I’d love to engage with you!
If this post resonated with you, you may also like “Overcoming Social Anxiety and the Crippling Pressure to Perform”. You can read it here.
