I had a major trauma pattern interrupt and breakthrough that helped me in overcoming social anxiety and is already paving the path for more life fulfillment and flow.
From partyphobia to approaching socializing with ease
Here’s what happened
I was invited to a party by a value aligned, amazing soul and local friend. She was hosting a gathering of incredible, local entrepreneurs who are passionate, mission driven and whom all have depth, are fun and true bad asses.
It was 5pm – 7pm on a Friday like 10-15 minutes from my house on a beautiful day. It couldn’t have been set up in a more ease filled or convenient manner for me.
Anyone that knows me, knows that I turn into a pumpkin at like 8pm and this was at 5pm👌🏼, ease filled travel and no frills expected.
But I found myself texting the host to cancel my attendance.
My reasoning in the moment was that I saw Jon home for the first time in what felt like eons given that he’s been working at a new job for the last few months with no down time and as 2 working parents raising 3 young children, we’re often ships passing in the night.
I do mornings at the gym, he does evenings. And for children’s activities, we divide and conquer. We’ve been hosting friends and family visiting and entertaining a bunch the last few weeks which was awesome and as such, also we hadn’t had any time, in the minimal time we do overlap, to connect.
I missed him and when I saw him for what felt like the first time in months, laying on the couch at 4pm on a holiday Friday, not working for once and looking like a cuddly bear, all I wanted to do was forgo anything else other than curling up next to him and connecting.
I was excited about a spacious, slow evening of connection and cuddles with my humans. No rushing, no make up, no distractions, no efforting.
Shortly thereafter, Jon got an emergency work call that he had to attend to and ended up taking him back into the rat race he was trying to settle from.
Just as he got the call, the kids started to bicker and brawl and I went from chillaxed with cuddles to full on mom mode, triaging sibling rivalrly and then realizing it was time to prep dinner.
Even when Jons call ended, he seemed stressed and fully taken out of his flow. There was a disconnect and the way he operates when he is in that state is he needs space. And all I wanted was connection.
Instead of closing out the evening feeling fulfilled from connection, I closed out the evening feeling empty and in a state of yearning. All evening I felt like a puppy waiting and it kinda stunk.
I realized I should have allowed myself to go to the party. But I really felt that way when I saw all the photos the next day on social media with all the humans I’ve been dying to connect with and whom I love having a lovely time, while I was making chicken nuggets and waiting for my king.
How my self and body awareness began to guide me
I noticed a feeling of bitterness, sadness and regret in my body. But it wasn’t the typical feeling.
It felt more intense and I knew it was here to communicate a message I needed to interpret.
As a projector, I know that the feeling of bitterness is a sign that I’m living out of alignment. And as such, an opportunity to self reflect on what needs to be explored and sorted through in order to realign and access more fulfillment and flow.
The self inquiry process I took
As I sat with the feeling and tracked the sensations, I discovered incredible wisdom.
As I tracked the charge in my body, I noticed that when I have an invitation to larger gatherings, I have a subconscious constriction in my body. It’s subtle but if I pay attention, I can feel it’s presence.
I got curious around that feeling and explored it. It was a familiar and visceral response to socializing and for lack of a better word, ‘hob nobbing’.
I was able to connect this somatic response to decades of feeling I had to show up in a performative manner and portray a very proper image to the high society circles that my parents ran in.
Reflecting on the root of the inner narrative
I grew up in a very image focused home with parents from India under British rule who have extremely high standards on how you present yourself not only in your appearance, but in your expression, poise, communication, manners.
There were spoken and unspoken expectations that imprinted these deep rooted messages that when you show up anywhere, you must look and show up in a very elevated, highly sophisticated manner.
As I reflect on this, it’s likely no surprise that I spent 16 years working in luxury fashion prior to finding this, though I digress.
In fact, full disclosure. In college, I got a DUI for drinking under the influence of alcohol. My parents came to bail me out and saw that I was in a hooded sweatshirt and flannel pants as college kids are typically.
Would you believe that the first words out of their mouth weren’t “are you okay?” or even “what were you thinking by drinking and driving?” but “how could you leave the house in these clothes. You were told to always leave the house properly dressed.” That’s what they cared about. Need I say more?
On my wedding day, as a new mother bride with a 3 month old baby on her lap, when my mother saw me, instead of saying “You look beautiful” or anything to acknowledge the natural beauty a new mother and bride could hold, her first words to me were “where is your necklace? Your neck is bare of jewels”.
Growing up with these ingrained standards of how I am expected to show up and perform, it’s no wonder that as a very casual, relaxed, no frills, very naturally expressed human who doesn’t wear make up or do her hair and basically lives in gym clothes, kaftans and robes, that I feel a contraction to wanting to go anywhere to socialize.
The awareness around the disconnect around the mind and body (behavior)
I know in every part of my mind that I get to show up as myself where ever I go and I do.
AND my body still holds a somatic memory of the trauma response from the chronically, micro stressful and shameful experiences and messaging that caused my body to experience a charge and contract for decades to self protect.
And now, I notice that although I want to go to the event, I see that my behavioral response, my ingrained habit, is to cancel.
When we respond to life from our trauma responses, it results in self sabotage and unsuccessful outcomes.
When we respond to live from our true self, it results in aligned and successful outcomes.
Of course I have a justifiable answer that I could argue is the truth all day long.
But in reality, as I explore deeper, I am able to see that the behavioral response to cancel is my trauma response reflexively taking that action because it feels deeply uncomfortable and unsafe to go and show up without putting on a dog and pony show. Which is way too exhausting for me.
How I’m shifting the pattern
But now that I have unpacked this and uncovered the why behind this response from understanding that the outcome of my decision didn’t feel good,
I am able to shift this pattern in the future and access more fulfillment.
Next time I am invited to something and my mind wants to go but I can feel my body contracting, I will know that my body is contracting to self protect me because it has an ingrained story that if I go I have to put a ton of self pressure on myself in the way I present and show up and I can remind my mind and body that that is no longer the case and I get to show up with ease and be myself.
I can remind myself that these aren’t my mothers friends and this isn’t her party and I am living in a new reality.
I can lean into that edge of going and having a great time with ease and create new evidence for my body that I get to enjoy parties and show up in my own chill way and rewire this pattern.
By doing this it creates a new inner narrative which both rewires the behavior pattern and also releases the trauma response.
👏It allows that contraction in my body to expand and as my body learns it doesn’t need to self protect in this manner is discharges that stored charge.
I am able to expand a bit more and experience more life fulfillment and flow.
Self Reflection Points
🤔Self reflection point: Are there any experiences or behaviors that you’re noticing that once complete you aren’t feeling good about?
If so, invitation to pause and self reflect on what these patterns are and simply start to notice.
👉🏻Notice what your reflexive and unconscious response is and how that presents itself. Do a body scan and explore what the sensations are in your body when you engage in that behavior and what they are after.
👉🏻Notice what feelings are associated with this experience and if there is an underlying fear driving the response.
Step 1 to shifting anything is building the self awareness around it, which begins with a pause and attuning to self through body and mind.
🧏🏼♀️I’d love to know what you’re noticing your unaligned behaviors and patterns are and what they are revealing to you.
Please comment on below post here with what’s coming up for you as I’d love to engage further in this dialogue!
